Gossip and 2017 Predictions?

I'm wondering if I can get a job at the school of lazy journalism?
Here goes :)

Mourinho to Man Utd, he claims they will be fighting for the Championship in 2 years (because they will get relegated next season after the Moronic one gets rid of all the promising youngsters and Mata, and replaces them with overrated, overpaid, and over the hill foreign "stars").

Pochettino goes to Real Madrid (this might actually be a world scoop hehe) takes Alli, Kane, Lloris and Alderweird with him :)

Arsenal try to get rid of Wenger but he just buys the club instead and makes himself manager. "I aim to take this club into the top 4" he says in a press conference.

Liverpool bid mega money for Messi, Gotze, Bale, Lewandowski, Neymar, Neuer, Benzema but end up with Newcastle reject Hatem Ben Arfa and Marouane Fellaini on a free transfer.

Antonio Conte gives John Terry a new contract and makes him the key part of his revolutionary 9-1-0 formation. Chelsea set new records after 38 x 0-0 draws.

Pep Guardiola attempts to buy all the leading players of his rivals.

Bournemouth do a "Leicester" and win the league.

Noble, Cresswell, Antonio, Tomkins, Carroll all make it to the PFA's team of the season but none of them gets an England call.
A young Tottenham reserve plays 5 minutes in a Carling Cup tie against Accrington and immediately gets called into the England squad, Hodgson says "he's had a great season and deserves the chance".